‘Stop prosecutions for refusing military service’ LOL!

November 5, 2007 by

In a recently released statement, the majority of the Swedish parliament’s defence committee stated that they believe young Swedes who either refuse or fail to show up for national service should no longer be prosecuted.

Emminent historian, Måns Scareme, points out that this sentiment is wholly consistant with Sweden’s position over the past hundred or so years. “Why punish these wily youngsters for laziness or cowardice when their only historic point of reference is Sweden’s ambivalent attitude towards war and global responsibility during WW1 & WW2?”

It’s not know at this late stage as to whether in keeping with Sweden’s desperate face saving post war exercise of taking in inordinate amounts of asylum seekers so as to distract from the shame of so-called nuetrality, will be rekindled.

In anticipation of such a possibility, makers of concrete rabbit hutches, Sjuk-Dag och Fika are rubbing there hands together at the thought of all of the draft dodger’s gardens being turned over to ‘humanitarian hostelries’.

http://www.thelocal.se/8997/20071104/

Mediocre couple admit paying cleaner under the table

November 4, 2007 by

A married couple who are actively involved in the ruling Mediocre Party have admitted to paying their ‘woman who does’, under the table. This startling revelation comes just weeks after one politico admitted to paying for services whilst under the stairs and another for making payment whilst a tad “under the weather”.

It’s uncertain as of yet whether Sweden’s Australian community will be rounded up for being from ‘down under’, as the Justice Minister’s name escapes us as and we can’t be certain it’s the same one we spoke to just moments ago.

http://www.thelocal.se/8996/20071104/

Bring Back Our Holy Smokes!

April 6, 2007 by

The Bible is often seen as the cannabis smokers and toilet roll deficients last hope for salvation, and in a move that will also leave dyslexic, insomniac, athiest hotel guests unable to lean over to their bedside drawer and research whether or not there really is a ‘dog’, a popular hotel chain in Sweden has decided to remove the multi use Bible from it’s rooms.

A spokeydokeyperson for the hotel chain drunkenly told The Jokal, ‘In future we intend to stock a variety of way-out fiction at the reception desk. There’ll be Barbie colouring books available along side The Bible, Koran and The Egyptian Book of the Dead, right next to extra supplies of toilet roll.

More news when our hour is up…

Swedish Easter (Svensk Påsk)

April 6, 2007 by

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The Jokal’s ‘office’: Sunday coming…

In our crass and ever continuing quest to dispel the hilarious cliche’s and crude generalisations that will eternally surround Sweden, we here at The Jokal aim to make the occasional offer of cultural education to those less fortunate/funny than ourselves.

For those of you that don’t know how the lovable Swedes celebrate Easter, heres our lowdown:

  • Hunting for eggs that have been hilariously surgically removed from female farm stock, painted, hidden, found and then surgically put back.
  • Dressing up as Satan, kicking each other’s front doors in and violently demanding dirty cash/free sex.
  • Pissing Coca Cola off by consuming large amounts of domestic made ‘Påsk Piss’, a traditional Swedish soft drink which is in fact the same hormone solution the livestock industry feed cattle.
  • Using twigs as make shift gallows for fluffy ickle easter chicks.
  • Swedes call Easter Friday ‘The Long Day’, and this is probably down to the fact the day seems to drag on for an eternity owing to the fact the state Nazi/Commie party owned alcohol stores are all closed.
  • It may also be because the day is made interminable owing to the bodily emissions from egg quaffing Swedes.
  • It’s the beginning of the Fiskslappenfestivalen festivities, which sees the beginning of competitive heats to see which Swede can outslap others around the best with a fetid old fishhead. The competition’s finals are held on Midsommers, over the laden table of a make believe banquet.
  • Immigrant rape gangs scour the streets for the young (for sex) and old(to forcibly make them dinner (eggs)).
  • According to the U.S.A’s finest theologian, Fred Phelps. Sweden’s Royal Family (The House of Henne & Mauritz) open their doors, hearts, minds and sphincters to all comers.


The Baa Necessities of Life…

April 5, 2007 by

In a land where the only sure way to stop the locals from buggering the wildlife, is to affix surveillance cams to the arse of each and every poor little critter, students today removed the eggs/womb from several sheep, painted them bright colours, hid them for children to find, then put them back.

When asked why they did this, the least drunk replied ‘This is just what we Swedes do at Easter’.

 

Pirates Tell The J.O to P.O & The P.D to S.T.F.U

April 3, 2007 by

“Ooooh arrrrrr shiver me servers”, is not the kinda cliche’ you’d expect any normal self respecting pirate to utter, yet that’s what the heroic and mostly handsome crew of The Pirate Bay are saying.

After a frisky lil’ visit by the Stockholm Paratrooper Department, on behalf of Sweden’s King George (W) II, many questions were being asked by the Swedish government. Questions like, “will I be found out for downloading Abba songs, lesbian bukkake vids and creepy anime?”.

More when we’ve finished downloading Shit Nun 2: Shat In The Habbit…

Dodgy Doc Copies Anything She Can…The Minx

April 3, 2007 by


Professor Birgitta Söder-Stream from Sweden’s Karolinska Institute has bored the world of medicine rigid by publishing yet another study that replicates again the exact same findings as several previous others that came before it.

In a study thats sure to make the orally challenged British once again go: “meh”, Söder-Stream takes a well trodden path, in reiterating the frequently publicised link between having a shit ridden gob and dying quite early of rarely funny heart disease.

In between furtively snatching quick smokes from a greasy cigarette, slyly smoked from her filthy office window, Söder-Stream communicated her frustration at the futility of life to The Jokal, in the same manner a rat would if human and allowed to live.

Söder-Stream then bragged about her part in “writing” both Sweden’s and The United Kingdom’s entries to this year’s Eurovision Song Contest. In a strange Swedish/Cockney hybrid accent, out of the corner of her mouth she commented “peice o’ piss writing them it was. Both highly original works, just like this science paper o’ mine. Honest guv’nor”.

At this point we decided to leave her office, but not before she asked if we had change for the drinks machine as she “only had a 500 sek note”, we kindly declined to assist when on closer inspection the proffered note turned out to be a sheet of toilet roll on which she had crudely scrawled some numbers in what appeared to be crayon.

More news should Söder-Stream get caught….

Story So Fucked Up, Even We Won’t Touch It (up)

March 31, 2007 by

http://www.thelocal.se/6859/20070330/

Weird Religious Sect Worships Nuclear Devices

March 31, 2007 by

In a story that’s tailormade for a connecting to an earlier effort of ours, The Christian Democrats, a Swedish political party with strong links to the Morlocks of Lund*, have announced their intention to add nuclear power to their pantheon of gods.

In a story that’s sure to end with the destruction of the planet at the hands of a time traveling human, who’s spends the preceding one and a half hrs battling sentient apes, we at The Jokal would like to pledge allegiance to our future ape masters, but NOT the weird subterranean Bible bashers.

* http://thejokal.wordpress.com/2007/03/26/eloi-refused-employment-by-morlocks/

The Christian Democrats, 200 years hence.

Has-Been Singer Seeks Attention For Stalled Career

March 28, 2007 by

Forgotten Swedish artiste, Anneli Magnusson, aka ‘Pandora’ has accused Scooch, the United Kingdom’s Eurovision Song Contest (ESC) entrants for this year, of plagiarising the chorus to one of her songs.

It’s seen as a war of words that could finally make official what all normal folk have been saying for years: All europop/Schlager sounds the the fucking same.

In one corner there is Scooch, who until they recently reformed for the ESC, were just another bunch of failed wannabes, who last graced the U.K charts some 6 yrs ago with a plaintive track entitled ‘Please Don’t Dump Us (We’ll Work For Food Only)’.

In the other corner there is a dustbin that smells of cat piss and failure, in which the long forgotten “artiste” Pandora occasionally sticks her head out of to scare children and make attention grabbing claims.

More news when we care enough to …….Zzzzzzzz


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